Fight, Flight, Flee, Fawn? People Pleasing as a Survival Response

At its core, people-pleasing is a survival response called fawning deeply rooted in the brain’s need for safety, love, and belonging. Our brains are wired to ensure our survival, and one of the ways they do this is by seeking out social acceptance. From an evolutionary perspective, being part of a group meant protection and safety. So, when we engage in people-pleasing behaviors, a part of our brain believes that if people are not happy with us, our safety is at risk. This is not just an emotional reaction but a primal instinct for survival.

The amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for processing fear and threats, triggers people-pleasing as a way to avoid conflict or rejection. In essence, the brain prioritizes the approval of others because it equates this with survival. It will do almost anything—sacrificing boundaries, desires, and authenticity—to maintain a sense of connection and approval from others.

The Problem with External Validation

The issue with this survival mechanism is that it places our sense of safety, love, and belonging outside of ourselves. We begin to rely on external validation to feel okay, which can lead to an endless cycle of self-abandonment. By constantly prioritizing the needs and desires of others, we lose touch with our own wants, values, and identity. Over time, we become strangers in our own lives, disconnected from our true selves.

Instead of living a life that reflects our own desires and values, we mold ourselves to fit the expectations of others. This leaves us feeling exhausted, unfulfilled, and sometimes resentful. What started as a strategy for safety becomes a prison that confines us to living for others rather than ourselves.

Reclaiming Yourself Through Reparenting

While breaking free from people-pleasing feels daunting, the key lies in reparenting yourself—a process of meeting your own emotional needs and becoming your own source of love and security. This means learning to turn inward for validation, rather than relying on external approval.

Reparenting involves:

• Self-soothing: Learning to comfort yourself during moments of fear, anxiety, or discomfort rather than looking to others for reassurance.
• Setting boundaries: Recognizing and protecting your limits, even if it means disappointing others.
• Self-acceptance: Developing a sense of worthiness that is not contingent on pleasing others, but rooted in the belief that you are inherently enough.

By finding this sense of safety and belonging within yourself, you become your own anchor. You learn to prioritize your own well-being, desires, and boundaries without needing constant approval from others to feel secure. This doesn’t mean that you stop caring about others, but that you can make choices from a place of authenticity and self-respect, not from a need for external validation.

In doing so, you reclaim your power and step into a life that is aligned with who you truly are, not what others expect you to be.

Conclusion

People-pleasing is a deeply ingrained survival mechanism, but it doesn’t have to define you. By learning to reparent yourself and meet your own needs for love, safety, and belonging, you can break free from the approval-seeking cycle and build a life where you are no longer a stranger to yourself. This journey requires compassion, patience, and a commitment to honoring your true self.